Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
