I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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