Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
