just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Randomize
