Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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