It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Randomize
