I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
