You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize
