I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
