i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
