The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Randomize
