I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
