do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Randomize
