pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
