Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
