that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Randomize
