I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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