This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize
