Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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