Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
