My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
i think my cat just said my name.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
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