My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
