My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Randomize
