I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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