puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
