I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
My underwear smells like fireworks.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
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