yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Randomize
