Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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