I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Randomize
