It's like God shit irony all over that family
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Is it penis luge time yet?
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
