At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Two words: blizzard sex
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Randomize
