I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
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