"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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