so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
