Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
