its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
