im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
