isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize
