i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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