Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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