sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
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