Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
