Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
