Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
