all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
