I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
