My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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