My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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