You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
