I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Randomize
